Should you fight for marriage or set boundaries?
I want to start off by saying that God blessed me with a fantastic wife. Katie checks all my boxes—she is intelligent, beautiful, hard-working, and my best friend. She came from an emotionally abusive relationship and is dealing with some understandable battles. Because of this, she has struggled to participate in marriage in the ways God has shown us. It’s been quite a challenge, to say the least.
Before I started dating Katie, she read a book by Lysa TerKeurst, a well-known author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, to help rebuild her life after her divorce. Because Katie liked reading that book, I pre-ordered Lysa’s new book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes a couple of years ago, thinking it might help her with some of the things she was still struggling with.
The book sat untouched in an Audible account Katie and I have always shared. Although it’s probably geared more toward women, I decided to sit down and listen to it—hoping it might help me process the pain of Katie abandoning our marriage. A pain that was compounded by the conviction that God had brought us together, and that she was His perfect pick for me.
As I began listening, I realized the book wasn’t exactly written for marriage—it was about all relationships and, in extreme cases, marriage.
The first book Katie and I read together was The Naked Marriage—which, in many ways, stands in total contradiction to Lysa’s book about setting boundaries. Boundaries may be necessary in certain situations, but that’s not the marriage God intended. Marriage is meant to be a cord of three strands—you and your spouse tightly intertwined, with God wrapped around you both.
While I don’t believe Lysa’s book applies to Katie and me overall, two points did strike a chord:
- Lysa asked, Are you in love with their potential rather than who they are right now?
- Her therapist explained a “trigger” as a stimulation—whether internal or external—that causes a person to relive a past wound, as if transported back to the scene of the crime.
Let me comment on those two things.
- Being in love with “potential”:
I can see what Lysa meant, and at times, I related to it. But here’s the thing—I knew Katie when she was married to someone else. I already knew she was an exceptionally GREAT wife. And during our own marriage, she was a great wife. My frustration came from her not following through on the promises she made to me—and to God. She wasn’t fully stepping into the marriage. I regretfully called her a “horrible wife” on a few occasions, which certainly didn’t help someone who came from an abusive relationship where her husband left her for another woman. - Triggers:
There’s no question Katie has triggers from her past, and they’ve inhibited her from being the wife she promised to be. In the beginning, she told me she wanted me to be “honest,” “independent,” and to “take leadership.” Ironically, my attempts to do those very things became triggers. In her defense, I later learned from our pastor that before offering someone 10% truth, you need to show 90% grace. I’m still working on that. But I’ll admit—I used to be more of a 90% truth, 10% grace kind of guy.
So why doesn’t this book apply to Katie and me?
Despite Katie’s struggle to keep her commitments, I knew about her battles before we got married. That’s why I believe setting boundaries in our marriage is inappropriate. It’s my job to love and cherish her—for better or for worse. At the same time, I know I’ve done everything I possibly could. Now, this is between Katie and God. I’ve surrendered it to Him.
One of our favorite online pastors was Jimmy Evans. He helped show us the kind of marriage God had in mind. In one of his videos—which we watched many times—he spoke about how our spouse can help walk us back and heal us from our past. My job was to help Katie, and hers was to help me. I believe Katie would tell you I’ve been the most supportive person in her life—constantly complimenting her, building her up. Out of the thousands of times I told her how beautiful, smart, and amazing she was—how she was the best thing that ever happened to me—the three times I called her a horrible wife are, unfortunately, the ones that stick.
Recently, my professional development software added an AI suite, including ChatGPT. So I asked, “What did Jimmy Evans say about helping your spouse walk back and heal them from their past?”
ChatGPT responded:
“Evans emphasizes that many individuals carry emotional scars into marriage, often subconsciously seeking a partner who can help heal these wounds. This dynamic can lead to conflicts when past hurts are triggered, but with awareness and intentional effort, couples can transform their relationship into a source of healing.”
There’s that word again—trigger. I don’t remember Jimmy saying conflicts would arise from that dynamic, but time has shown that to be true.
In a nutshell, God created marriage to be perfect. And I believe He made my marriage to Katie perfect, too. But even perfect things require work. Sometimes they require Christian counseling. But when God picks someone for you, the effort is always worth the reward.
A “naked marriage” should always come before a marriage built on boundaries. As far as I’m concerned, boundaries are a last resort—something to fall back on when everything else has failed. God wants us to fight for marriage. He wants us to live as one.
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